easter sunday

April 18, 2017


We spent Easter Sunday at Temple Square this year, and I have to say this tradition is one our little family needs to stick to. We used to do the same thing while I was growing up, and after doing it again this year I'm sold. A highlight was seeing this Easter video the Church came out with in the Visitors Center. Though I had seen it online before, it was especially moving for some reason watching it again that morning with Charlie on my lap and Max by my side. I felt overwhelmed with my love for them and for my Savior.


Max and I have abstained from sugar for most of the year (special events not included), so I was especially excited when I found these these cute brown sack bunnies to fill with Cadbury eggs! 


Believe it or not, this was the best picture out of all of them.


I could eat this blonde haired, blue eyed boy right up! (and his dad too, for that matter).
They make my world go round.

Charlie Bob Marley, Maximus and Me

April 7, 2017


I'm pretty sure it was Jim Gaffigan who said, "I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me." Hence, the onslaught of photos. Charlie is my favorite part of waking up. When I hear him stirring and start making his little noises next to me in his bassinet, I can't wait to be with him. He loves trying to make all sorts of sounds with his lips, sucking on his hand (video below), and getting tickles from his dad. We got our first giggle out of him a few weeks ago on a Saturday afternoon while I was changing his diaper, and it made me and Max both cry. Haha! What is this life?


Max landed his first paid research project (!!!) studying pediatric head trauma, and is working on co-publishing his first paper which he gets to be first author on. Like I've said before, he's ever the genius. He's also volunteering this semester at the Anatomy Academy and at the homeless clinic downtown. He works with a family practice doctor out in Stansbury Park (last time he helped with a cervix exam... thanks Aunt Cindy for preparing me for that one), and was just made a co-president of the U of U's Neurology interest group. Of course on top of all that he's my best friend, supportive husband, an amazing dad, and last but certainly not least, the king of curry. His curry is amazing, by the way, and clearly, so is he.


I, on the other hand, still consider it a feat I am walking again (I honestly didn't think I would be able to move again aside from maybe a shuffle). I won't get into the details on a public blog about what went on during delivery, but call me sometime and I'll tell you about it. The fact I'm still a walking and functioning human being only means MIRACLES HAPPEN.


All joking aside though, I'll be honest. I wasn't much of a "nurturer" growing up. I didn't like babysitting, I hated cooking, I can't craft or sew and I was never one to answer "a mom" when asked about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Frankly, I didn't know how I would feel about staying at home at first and raising children when the time came.

Now, before I go on let me say I know it's only been four months. But like I've asked most of my friends, am I just in the honeymoon phase? When does this feeling go away? Because becoming a mom has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. I might live on dry shampoo these days, but I've never felt more fulfilled or blessed or grateful in my entire life. I wish I could say this all so much more eloquently than I am, but it has truly been the most incredible thing that's ever happened to me. I can't imagine my life without having this little boy in it, or without being his mother. It feels like everything was always meant to be what it is right now.

count your blessings instead of sheep

April 3, 2017



Charlie has been our champion sleeper from pretty much the beginning. I heard all the horror stories about how exhausted I would be, (don't get me wrong, those first few weeks I thought I was going to die I was so tired), and I became even more worried about the thought of eventually sleep training that I read about 5 books in a week before he was ever born all about babies and sleeping and essentially surviving. Unfortunately, a lot of those books contradicted each other anyway, and it left me more confused than anything, but in the end, we were extremely lucky in that Charlie started sleeping soundly through the night early on without any coaching from us.

Anyway, one of the few things I did takeaway from those books was the importance of a bedtime routine; and out of all the things I thought about, it might sound silly that one of the things I did worry about was finding and having a special song to sing to Charlie every night. I can still remember the lullaby my mom sang to me when I was a little girl, and I wanted my own for Charlie too. A few days after we were home from the hospital, I was up late one night feeding Charlie while watching White Christmas. When the part of the movie above started playing in the background, Charlie finally started drifting to sleep. It was almost like magic. Since then, it's become the one thing I do sing every night as I hold and rock him in his nursery. Though I can't do Bing Crosby or Rosemary Clooney any justice, I think it's just about the best lullaby there could ever be.

this.

March 29, 2017

“But how? How can you just get over these things, darling?...You've had so much strife but you're always happy. How do you do it?'

'I choose to...I can leave myself to rot in the past, spend my time hating people for what happened, like my father did, or I can forgive and forget.'

'But it's not that easy.'

He smiled that Frank smile. 'Oh, but my treasure, it is so much less exhausting. You only have to forgive once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day. You have to keep remembering all the bad things...I would have to make a list, a very, very long list and make sure I hated the people on it the right amount. That I did a proper job of hating, too: very Teutonic! No' - his voice became sober- 'we always have a choice. All of us."

-M.L. Stedman, The Light Between Oceans

Blessing Day

March 8, 2017




This last Sunday was Charlie's blessing day. It was such a special experience, and I tried to write down everything Max shared during the blessing in my journal so I would never forget. I felt so honored to be this little boy's mom. Throughout the day I kept thinking about what I've shared before on this blog a handful of times.. I even read it at my sister's wedding dinner. It's in my quote book, it's in my life book. There is nothing else that so perfectly describes the sweetness of life and family as this quote:

"My young friends, there is much happiness and joy to be found in this life. I can testify of that. 
I picture you with a companion whom you love and who loves you. I picture you at the marriage altar, entering into covenants that are sacred. I picture you in a home where love has its fulfillment. 

I picture you with little children about you and see your love growing with them. I cannot frame this picture. I would not if I could, for it has no bounds. Your happiness will have no ends." 
- Boyd K. Packer

what I've been reading lately...

February 8, 2017

When Charlie got really sick at the start of the year, our pediatrician recommended we basically keep him indoors and away from crowds until he was at least 3 months old. To say I didn't go a little bit crazy some days would be a lie, but these books kept me company during the long afternoon hours while Charlie would nap:


“The main message of Jesus, I believed, is that mercy trumps justice every time.”

“Literature not only illuminated another’s experience, it provided, I believed, the richest material for moral reflection. My brief forays into the formal ethics of analytic philosophy felt dry as a bone, missing the messiness and weight of real human life.”

“That message is simple: When you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man’s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing.” 

“Those burdens are what make medicine holy and wholly impossible: in taking up another’s cross, one must sometimes get crushed by the weight.” 
-Paul Kalanithi, When Breath Becomes Air

(This has become one of Max's favorite books of all time -- mine too)

--

"Open your eyes and see what you can with them before they close forever."

“There is a humility of being a father to someone...as if he were only a narrow conduit for another, greater thing. That's how it feels right now, he thinks, kneeling beside her, rinsing her hair: as though his love for his daughter will outstrip the limits of his body. The walls could fall away, even the whole city, and the brightness of that feeling would not wane.” 
-Anthony Doer, All the Light We Cannot See



--

“Cora didn't know what optimistic meant. She asked the other girls that night if they were familiar with the word. None of them had heard it before. She decided that it meant trying.” 

“But nobody wanted to speak on the true disposition of the world. And no one wanted to hear it...
The whites came to this land for a fresh start and to escape the tyranny of their masters, just as the Freeman had fled theirs. But the ideals they held up for themselves, they denied others. Cora had heard Michael recite the Declaration of Independence back on the Randall plantation many times, his voice drifting through the village like an angry phantom. She didn't understand the words, most of them at any rate, but created equal was not lost on her. The white men who wrote it didn't understand it either, if all men did not truly mean all men. Not if they snatched away what belonged to other people, whether it was something you could hold in your hand, like dirt, or something you could not, like freedom.” 
-Colson Whitehead, The Underground Railroad

(I actually read this book while I was still pregnant and though it is heavy, it is definitely a book worth reading; it stays with you for a while.)

--

Other book excerpts here and here

unpopular but relevant

January 22, 2017

-"Woman with a Parasol" - Madam Monet and Her Son
Painting by Claude Monet
(I received this painting as a gift before having Charlie, and I love it)

"The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity... 
May [women] understand their own great capacity for strength."
-Margaret D. Nadauld

Baby Charlie

January 19, 2017


How did we go from this...


to this so fast? 

Our sweet Charlie is eight weeks old today, and time is flying by. Although he has had more hospital visits and shots than most his age, he remains the most content and consolable baby (in my own biased opinion). He now weighs ten pounds and is 21.5 inches long, though he still only fits in his newborn clothes. He loves to eat, be held, take baths and look at twinkle lights and lamps. He smiles occasionally, but usually keeps a serious and thoughtful look on his face (just like his grandpa). He has his dad's chin and his mother's ability to sleep through anything, (he's already sleeping six-seven hours through the night(!!!)) and is the best part of every day.


As you can tell, Charlie is just as anxious and concerned about hospitals as his parents are 
(though let it be known Primary Children's is amaaazing)


 I didn't know my heart could hurt the way it did when he cried as they took his blood. I am so, so grateful Max was just five minutes away in class and could run right up to the hospital and be with us for that dreadful experience. 


Everything I've ever heard or read when it comes to having children, as cliche as it always sounded, is true. It's often shared on social media, but I've found the words Elizabeth Stone once wrote so perfectly describe the way Motherhood feels: "Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body."

 

His face. That video. My heart.
I will never be the same.

thanksgiving day

January 11, 2017


We were at dinner with friends when I first started noticing what I thought were just cramps. I wasn't due for two more weeks so I didn't think much of them, at least not until we got home and got ready for bed. I remember telling Max to pull out his phone and start timing what for sure I knew were contractions at that point - I had learned in my birthing class that it would probably take hours, maybe even days, for the contractions to be close enough to have to go to the hospital - (ps. birthing class really deserves a post of its own one day, and so do the forceps the size of salad tongs that they feel the need to pass around... but we'll save that for later).

Sure enough, though, my contractions were coming in at only six minutes apart.

I remember Max giving me a blessing before calling my parents and telling them I was going to the hospital. I also remember feeling a wave a nausea come on and all of a sudden my water breaking. I started to cry at that point. I was terrified.

We walked into the hospital around 12:30 AM. The security guard who buzzed us into the labor and delivery unit smiled when he said "I think it's time." I nervously laughed - I still don't know why at that point I wasn't convinced that that would be the day I would go into labor, but that changed when the nurse who checked us into triage said that I was 90% effaced and 4 cm dilated. I didn't have much time to register what that entirely meant, because the contractions suddenly began coming on stronger and stronger. I remember holding the nurse's hand through one of the more painful ones (her name was Sarah and she was an angel) as Max ran to go park the car and grab my hospital bag.

Sarah held my hand again as Max watched the anesthesiologist put in the epidural and chat about medical school. I admire those who are willing to have a natural birth, because for me that epidural was a gift straight from heaven.

Within four hours I was ready to go. I silently prayed over and over again that my doctor would be the one on call that night. Even though he wasn't, he would still be the doctor to deliver our son, which was just one of the many, many blessings that early Thanksgiving morning.

At about 6 AM, I started to push. I pushed for two and a half long hours, which in retrospect, I'm still amazed I survived. Even with an epidural, the pushing and the crunching and holding my breath soon became exhausting. There were several times I can remember looking up at my Mom and saying over and over, I can't keep doing this; every time she'd reassure me that I could. Finally, just minutes before 8:30 that morning, at 8:27 AM to be exact, I distinctly remember my doctor looking as serious as I had ever seen him. This was it.

Anyone who has been through this will most likely tell you the same thing I always heard, that there are no words to describe the following moments or feelings. I heard his little cry for the first time. I remember looking up at the faces of my own Mom and Dad, and most especially my best friend and my husband Max. I remember realizing that he was now a dad. I remember my tears blurring everyone's faces and this feeling of love that overcame me. It felt so instant and unconditional. I remember the first time they rested this baby boy on my skin, and I remember whispering that I was his mom. Those moments are so sacred and so special. They all will forever be saved in a part of my heart I never knew existed until that Thanksgiving day.

--

The following hours and days are a blur of love, and exhaustion, of tears and prayers filled with gratitude. Even now, almost two months later, I look down at this baby boy and still can't believe he is ours. I've always believed that families could be together forever, but had no idea how much more that would mean to me when I began a family of my own. Max is the champion of all fathers and husbands, who even though he had his first semester of medical school finals looming when we got home from the hospital, loved and cared for us in a way that will forever cement our relationship. They say that there are no words to describe the love you have for your child, but the same goes for this new aspect of love you will feel for your husband.

I have never felt so thankful as I did that Thanksgiving morning for the plan of happiness, and for this new profound sense of true happiness I was just now experiencing as a new mother. I can honestly say, it was the best day of our lives.

(And just so you know - the first thing the doctor gave me after delivery was an ice cold Diet Coke. It should be noted that this was the best Diet Coke I have ever tasted, and by that act alone, my doctor will always remain one of my true kindred spirits).

the end of 2016

January 2, 2017


Aside from the arrival of our baby boy which will forever be the highlight of our year, I wanted to update my blog regarding the rest of 2016 since my journaling habits are still being graded at an F-.


We had our usual fall getaway to Park City, but this time we went with family instead of friends whose lives and busy schedules are hard to match up with. Still so much fun.


I had an endless to-do list on my phone this fall of things to finish before the baby arrived, and for some reason the night we built the crib as Max watched the World Series will remain one of my favorite memories. Nothing extraordinary about any of it, but for some reason that night remains a special memory for me.


Speaking of Mr. Max, he's still enjoying medical school. It's the one question I'm asked most, aside from anything about becoming a mom, is how is Max enjoying school? I can brag about him since he would never brag about himself, but not only is he excelling, he's top of his class. Maybe I just expected and went into this medical school chapter of our lives thinking this would be the death of our marriage, but it's been surprisingly manageable for both of us. In fact, I think I see him more now than I ever did during his undergrad at BYU (knock on wood). Might I add he makes a very handsome future doctor.


Woof. Third trimester was not good to me or my frame. I ballooned like Violet on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. So excuse the picture, but this documents one of our baby showers, which we happened to share with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Heaston Dahl and his wife, who are expecting a baby girl next month. The best part of the night was Heaston assuming that babies have teeth by the time they are three weeks old.


Even though I write more about this special day in the following post, this was one of the first pictures we took of our little Charlie. Some of his nicknames include baby, bubby, sunny, honey, lovey and toad man. I don't know where the last name came from, or his perfect olive skin considering he has ghostly white parents this time of year.


Last but not least, Christmas of course was special this year because we had a family of three. I just wish Christmas could be on a Sunday every year. There is something special about going to church and the reminder of what Christmas is really all about (as I post a picture of a Christmas tree and presents ha ha... this picture will have to suffice).

2016, you were too good to us.

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