mortgages, medical school, and life i guess

As Max grows closer to taking the MCAT, more and more of our conversations are centered on "the future" and everything that means: medical school, beginning a family, all the places we want to go. As daunting as it sometimes feels (I swear I still don't feel grown up enough to pay for a mortgage), I do get more and more excited about all of the possibilities, raising children (even teenagers), packing our life up, starting a life somewhere else, etc etc, and getting to do all of it with Max.

Before we were married, I think I made Max promise me at least 27 times that there was no way we'd stay here in Utah for forever. And I love Utah. I grew up here. Most of our friends and family live within an hour of us, which I've been so thankful for. Plus: Fall. Utah in the fall is so gorgeous. But I guess a part of me (a huge part admittedly) has always wanted to leave too.

And kids! Gosh. When did this start? I think I maybe babysat twice as a teenager, and although I know I thought about having kids, I really can't say I thought about it a lot. If it weren't for our sweet sunbeams who we get to see every Sunday, and my new little friend Erin who sits on my lap and looks back at me with raised eyebrows every time she answers a question waiting for my approval (it really stops my heart) I don't know if I'd think about it as much as I do now. But I do. I can't wait to have a little girl who I can read to at night, or a teenage son I can help get ready for school dances. THIS IS SO WEIRD. Mainly because these thoughts feel so new, but so exciting.

And my personal goals. Which sometimes I don't write about as much online because I think, what if it doesn't work out? What if my essays aren't published? What if my books don't go through? It makes me nervous.

And then, of course, there's housing to consider, living costs, job opportunities, saving our money/investing our money, good schools, residency, etc etc and the possibility of one day ideally living in Sydney, Boston, Southern California, Devonport (one can dream?). And I know I might romanticize certain places or people or living a life with a future family somewhere exotic, but I also refuse to forget what my favorite professor(/mentor/person/hero) would always say, "remain tremendously idealistic about the life ahead of you" - mortgages and all.