ambiguity.

January 19, 2011


One by one the petals drop
There's nothing that can make them stop.
You cannot beg a rose to stay.

Why does it have to be that way?


The butterflies I used to chase

Have gone off to some other place.

I don't know where. I only know

I wish they didn't have to go.

And all the shiny afternoons

So full of birds and big balloons
And ice cream melting in the sun
Are done.
I do not want them done.
-Judith Viorst

I consider myself having some sort of a mix between a Peter Pan Complex and a Martha Stewart Syndrome (I kind of invented that last one).
I sometimes hate the idea of change, or at least the change that I wasn't planning on.
And sometimes I decide (a little too early on) how my life should and shouldn't turn out, and that basically boils down to me being tremendously idealistic.

We should be friends forever because that's what it's like in the movies.
I need to marry him (yes him!) because we fell in love when I was only 17.
I have to graduate with this degree, because, after all, my blonde hair makes me look the part.

And fortunately or unfortunately, depending on the day, I'm realizing more and more and more that life does not go according to plan --
And it's not as if I was ever naive enough to think that it did necessarily, but in my mind there was one road map to my life, and the detours and back roads were only a little part of the picture. Everything else would still inevitably fall into place of course, just like I had planned.
But I've been proven wrong.

Admittedly, it was a little hard for me to swallow at first, but for whatever reason over the last little while I've not only come to terms with it, but have sort of grown fond of the idea that I really have no idea where I'm going to end up.

So the Martha Stewart Syndrome is kind of fading, my desire to never grow old is being replaced by some of my other hopes and dreams --
But one thing that isn't changing (and maybe I kind of hope it never does)
is the fact that I remain tremendously idealistic.
Tomorrow always looks better that way.

7 comments:

Mandy said...

I love your idealism. It's contagious. And not knowing is terrifying, but is part of the fun. Embrace it!

Emily Dawn said...

I love this.

I really like you!

Girl in My Own World said...

Yes, I too was once where you are at... and honestly am still there, but I am glad to see that you are growing fond of it and not allowing it to make you bitter. I think that we all or at least some of us have a percetption or a road map as for where we want our live to be, but it does not always turn out to be that way. Nowadays, I feel that it is all about taking the good with the bad and just to keep moving on. My thoughts on life these days is to just give yourself and your future up to God and you never know. It may not turn out how you thought... it may be even BETTER than you could have ever imagined! :o) Blessings and Best wishes girl!

whimsy said...

you are too good! i love your words. and honestly i hang off of them! can we please do lunch? honestly call me! 530.220.3604
ok so i am the exact same way. peter pan. martha. and idealism. all in one obnoxious package. and Heavenly Father has taught me through some pretty serious stuff that i need to get over those things and trust in Him and cling to my faith and it will all work out. which is so beautiful. it will all be beautiful. even more than i could have hoped for in my own map, my own plan i so carefully sketched out with every single turn and detail. but we must, we must give Him our wills and our faith and our trust- or we will be fighting against the wall. we will have such a hard time. i would love to talk more with you!
loves
britt

Kate said...

I love this! I can totally relate.

I've never heard that poem, but it's lovely.

the southern hostess said...

Beautifully written. Your blog is so lovely.

Brittany said...

ideal people are the best kind of people. stay that way. i'm really excited for our lunch and i think we'll be fast friends.

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